I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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