I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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