If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
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