No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
