I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
