the condom got lost in my hair
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
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