I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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