I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
