i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
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