oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
