Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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