I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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