If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
