On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize
