I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I will be naked everywhere
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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