so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
You ruined the universe
Randomize
