He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
