Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
