And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
