All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
