College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Is Oprah even human
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
