Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
