what day is it and did you see me today?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
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