I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
