just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Randomize