That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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