So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
