I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
