So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
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