You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
