I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
