sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Randomize