wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
