you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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