the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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