shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
