I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
