I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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