New low: just hacked my moms facebook
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
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