And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Randomize
