Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize