I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
