my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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