god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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