Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize