We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
