mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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