I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Randomize
