but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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