and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
