I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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