I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
