i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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