I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize