i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
this hospital has no fireball
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
