dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
