Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
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