a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
