It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
