I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
