You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
When did angry sex become our thing?
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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