Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize