mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I showed him my bush... on skype.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Randomize
