So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
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