You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Randomize
