Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Randomize
